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Archive for February 22, 2019

The Roller Blade Seven

franchisebannerimages.jpgSo I’ve heard that RB7 is possibly the worst film ever made. That didn’t daunt me, I’ve heard that before and I don’t usually believe it. Didn’t the Medved brother declare Plan 9 From Outer Space to be the worst film of all time? It wasn’t even the worst film made  that YEAR.

I wasn’t expecting a lot. I was aware the budget had been slashed for this one. They had $30,000 and a 16 millimeter camera. This was going to be rough to make.

It was also around this time that Donald Jackson started getting thick with Scott Shaw – a musician, actor, artist and academic with a focus on eastern philosophy. Together they birthed the concept of “Zen Film making”, where no script is used. You come in with an idea, roll the film and let things happen as they will. That’s fine. It’ll be interesting and I can review anything right?

Well, no.

Turns out I was wrong and also Very wrong. RB7 is one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen come out of Hollywood. It makes a Neil Breen film seem coherent. The only possible way to adequately review and describe this is to give you my stream of consciousness that I recorded on Facebook while watching the film.

 

Matthew SkellyMatthew Skelly
So much danger, so much danger, SO MUCH DANGER! and then DIRECTED BY in huge white letters.

Matthew SkellyMatthew Skelly
Sending his minion out to kidnap a psychic… I feel like we’ve tried this ground before.

Matthew SkellyMatthew Skelly
At least the nuns have traded red and blue for black leather habits (it helps the ninjas blend in)

Matthew SkellyMatthew Skelly
That’s a billy club, not a gun. STOP HOLDING IT LIKE A GUN!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
ROLLER SKATING NINJAS. This is not a drill. THOSE ARE ACTUALLY ROLLER SKATING NINJAS.
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
At some point you have to stop flipping those knives in the air and actually use them guys.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
And the nun just caught the knife in her mouth and slit the dude’s throat. But we’re stuck in a time loop so we have to watch the scene repeat three times….

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
I guess the upside to no one talking is we don’t have to put up with bad dubbing.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
“Psychic or not”. Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to patronize that business….wait. Karen Black is in there. Okay, maybe.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
STOP TOUCHING THE STATUES INAPPROPRIATELY!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
So does this dude not have a head or is it just dark?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
“At night, I dream. I go to a place very far away.” Yeah, I’d also like to go to a place very far away.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Seriosuly, is this entire thing just an excuse for Scott Shaw to canoodle with Karen Black?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Waitaminuet….I thought we killed all the roller skating ninjas. Did they kidnap another nun or is this a flashback?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
OH! Look! ACTUAL ROLLER BLADES! We’re three movies into this franchise and it’s the first time Roller Blades have ever appeared on screen.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
When Frank Stallone tells you to dance with the Devil, you better listen.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
DON’T MAKE ME CALL JOE ESTEVEZ!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
I don’t understand. Are these martial arts exercises or is he miming?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Why is the invisible man playing a banjo?
At this point one of my friends came in, sounding worried, asking what on earth I was watching. Considering he’s writing a book on the Polonia Brothers, he’s got no room to talk.
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
HOW IS THE INVISIBLE MAN PLAYING A BANJO WIT HTHOSE GLOVES????

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
NO. Stop That. You don’t get to wear actuall Knights armor in a post-apocalyptic movie.
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
KNIGHTS DON’T CARRY KATANAS!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew
Skelly Scott Saw isn’t William Shatner. He can’t get away with line delivery like that.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
“On the dark side you can see nothing! The only power is the power of true vision! I prefer only to rule my own heart!”

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
“We shall see. About that. Won’t we. ?”

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
You’re serving the wrong master. I agree. Now go put on some pants please?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
I can’t believe she’s making you wear those roller skates either….

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
CLOWN ATTACK!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly Okay, the banjo music doesn’t really mesh with the punks…and where did all of these guys come from anyhow???

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
The green camouflage dosen’t really help in the desert. Still, duck tape and wheelchairs……

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
“I shall skate or die!”

Um….please?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
GIRL roller skating ninjas!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
So…is the sword STUCK?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
I bet they were all just intimidated by his sunglasses….and possibl ythe fact he was smart enough to already have the sword out of his scabbard…..

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
That’s a snake. Not a whip….a SNAKE! STOP HOLDING IT LIKE A WHIP!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
What exactly is a Fukaswi Ninja? And Why do they feel the need to announce it in all caps?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
RUN AWAY!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly Sure.
Beat the armored monster with a padded whiffle bat That ought to do it.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Okay, covering up is admirable, but that ship has kind of sailed.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Wait, did he just reboot the robot?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Oh God, the banjo is back. The Clown looks confused. Scott Shaw just looks like he’s not sure how he got in this movie.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
NINJA ATTACK!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Look, I’m grateful and all, but do we really need to watch you cut the banjo dude’s head off ten times from the EXACT SAME ANGLE?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
DRUM SOLO!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Oh good. The Clown lives.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
She STILL can’t get that Sword out??? DOES ANYONE IN THE FUTURE HAVE SOME WD-40????
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Okay, something’s obviously wrong with thier movieola.You’re supposed to cut to DIFFRENT ANGLES of that same scene…not just keep inserting the same clip in there!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
While Shaw is teaching the chick how to sword fight, perhaps he could go over the fine art of GETTING THE SWORD OUT OF THE SCABBARD????

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
CLOWN WANTS TO TRAIN TOO!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
um….no. And I never want to see a “Come hither” look on a clowns face ever again.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
So was the direction “Point the camera at Joe and let him ramble”? I have NO clue what he ‘s talking about. At least the bit about Skateboards and flying made some sort of sense…
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
BACK ON THE ROAD!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
PULL OUT YOUR STUPID SWORD! Shaw can’t kill EVERYBODY!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Fat lot of help YOU were clown.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Why does no one want to touch the Spirit Guide? Cooties?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Utility Ninjas. See? That’s what happens when you ignore the spirit guide!
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
That’s right. Gun beats Sword.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
KABUKI ESCAPES! Also Macho Man is about to snap into a slim jim.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
ROLLER CLOWN vs MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Pretty sure those axes are throwing off your balance in those skates dude.
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Hey Clown! Can I AXE yo ua question?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
The best part is when he got tangles up in his long coat

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Don’t cry for him Spirit Guide. He’s not worth it.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Darkness may never destroy the power of light but al that smoke fro mthe insense will.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Okay, Choke her or whip her. PICK ONE.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
“I want no harm to come to her”. Besides the 40 lashes and being covered in snakes you mean?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
WORST. WEDDING DRESS. EVER.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
If pain makes us strong, then this movie is making me into Hercules.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
How can you see what’s going on with those sunglasses on all the time?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Quiet Riot as the cell guard. Nice.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
See, if you had learned how to draw the sword, maybe you wouldn’t be in jail!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Did the robot turn on the strobe light or was that Quiet Riot?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
“I’d look as terrified as you if I didn’t have my sunglasses on!”

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Who let the Spirit Guide in here?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
So did the smoke or the strobe light kill the robot? I feel like I need to know.
Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
“Time can not be stopped, it can at best be witnessed”.
And as a result, I want the last hour of my life back.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly “Go forth now! And skate the path of righteousness!”

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
(Also, take this sword. It has a lot of killing to do.)

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
And after tossing her garter down the grand canyon, the happy bride and groom mounted the grooms chopper and rode off into the sunset. FIVE TIMES.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Seriously, things would be at least ten minuets shorter if you’d stop showing the SAME FREAKING FOOTAGE over and over again! WE COULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH THIS MOVIE BY NOW!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
How does he not see the ONLY OTHER CAR on the road coming up on them?

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
WORST. DRIVE-BY SHOOTING. EVER.

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
You’rejust jealous of that wedding dress,

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
SUPRISE SUCKERS!

Matthew Skelly
Matthew Skelly
Sure. More banjo music over the credits. Why not. At least it’s over!