The Roller Blade Seven
So I’ve heard that RB7 is possibly the worst film ever made. That didn’t daunt me, I’ve heard that before and I don’t usually believe it. Didn’t the Medved brother declare Plan 9 From Outer Space to be the worst film of all time? It wasn’t even the worst film made that YEAR.
I wasn’t expecting a lot. I was aware the budget had been slashed for this one. They had $30,000 and a 16 millimeter camera. This was going to be rough to make.
It was also around this time that Donald Jackson started getting thick with Scott Shaw – a musician, actor, artist and academic with a focus on eastern philosophy. Together they birthed the concept of “Zen Film making”, where no script is used. You come in with an idea, roll the film and let things happen as they will. That’s fine. It’ll be interesting and I can review anything right?
Well, no.
Turns out I was wrong and also Very wrong. RB7 is one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen come out of Hollywood. It makes a Neil Breen film seem coherent. The only possible way to adequately review and describe this is to give you my stream of consciousness that I recorded on Facebook while watching the film.
Matthew Skelly
So much danger, so much danger, SO MUCH DANGER! and then DIRECTED BY in huge white letters.
Matthew Skelly
Sending his minion out to kidnap a psychic… I feel like we’ve tried this ground before.
Matthew Skelly
At least the nuns have traded red and blue for black leather habits (it helps the ninjas blend in)
Matthew Skelly
That’s a billy club, not a gun. STOP HOLDING IT LIKE A GUN!
Matthew Skelly
ROLLER SKATING NINJAS. This is not a drill. THOSE ARE ACTUALLY ROLLER SKATING NINJAS.
ROLLER SKATING NINJAS. This is not a drill. THOSE ARE ACTUALLY ROLLER SKATING NINJAS.
Matthew Skelly
At some point you have to stop flipping those knives in the air and actually use them guys.
At some point you have to stop flipping those knives in the air and actually use them guys.
Matthew Skelly
And the nun just caught the knife in her mouth and slit the dude’s throat. But we’re stuck in a time loop so we have to watch the scene repeat three times….
And the nun just caught the knife in her mouth and slit the dude’s throat. But we’re stuck in a time loop so we have to watch the scene repeat three times….
Matthew Skelly
I guess the upside to no one talking is we don’t have to put up with bad dubbing.
I guess the upside to no one talking is we don’t have to put up with bad dubbing.
Matthew Skelly
“Psychic or not”. Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to patronize that business….wait. Karen Black is in there. Okay, maybe.
“Psychic or not”. Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to patronize that business….wait. Karen Black is in there. Okay, maybe.
Matthew Skelly
STOP TOUCHING THE STATUES INAPPROPRIATELY!
STOP TOUCHING THE STATUES INAPPROPRIATELY!
Matthew Skelly
So does this dude not have a head or is it just dark?
So does this dude not have a head or is it just dark?
Matthew Skelly
“At night, I dream. I go to a place very far away.” Yeah, I’d also like to go to a place very far away.
“At night, I dream. I go to a place very far away.” Yeah, I’d also like to go to a place very far away.
Matthew Skelly
Seriosuly, is this entire thing just an excuse for Scott Shaw to canoodle with Karen Black?
Seriosuly, is this entire thing just an excuse for Scott Shaw to canoodle with Karen Black?
Matthew Skelly
Waitaminuet….I thought we killed all the roller skating ninjas. Did they kidnap another nun or is this a flashback?
Waitaminuet….I thought we killed all the roller skating ninjas. Did they kidnap another nun or is this a flashback?
Matthew Skelly
OH! Look! ACTUAL ROLLER BLADES! We’re three movies into this franchise and it’s the first time Roller Blades have ever appeared on screen.
OH! Look! ACTUAL ROLLER BLADES! We’re three movies into this franchise and it’s the first time Roller Blades have ever appeared on screen.
Matthew Skelly
When Frank Stallone tells you to dance with the Devil, you better listen.
When Frank Stallone tells you to dance with the Devil, you better listen.
Matthew Skelly
DON’T MAKE ME CALL JOE ESTEVEZ!
DON’T MAKE ME CALL JOE ESTEVEZ!
Matthew Skelly
I don’t understand. Are these martial arts exercises or is he miming?
I don’t understand. Are these martial arts exercises or is he miming?
Matthew Skelly
Why is the invisible man playing a banjo?
Why is the invisible man playing a banjo?
At this point one of my friends came in, sounding worried, asking what on earth I was watching. Considering he’s writing a book on the Polonia Brothers, he’s got no room to talk.
Matthew Skelly
HOW IS THE INVISIBLE MAN PLAYING A BANJO WIT HTHOSE GLOVES????
HOW IS THE INVISIBLE MAN PLAYING A BANJO WIT HTHOSE GLOVES????
Matthew Skelly
NO. Stop That. You don’t get to wear actuall Knights armor in a post-apocalyptic movie.
NO. Stop That. You don’t get to wear actuall Knights armor in a post-apocalyptic movie.
Matthew Skelly
KNIGHTS DON’T CARRY KATANAS!
KNIGHTS DON’T CARRY KATANAS!
Matthew
Skelly Scott Saw isn’t William Shatner. He can’t get away with line delivery like that.
Skelly Scott Saw isn’t William Shatner. He can’t get away with line delivery like that.
Matthew Skelly
“On the dark side you can see nothing! The only power is the power of true vision! I prefer only to rule my own heart!”
“On the dark side you can see nothing! The only power is the power of true vision! I prefer only to rule my own heart!”
Matthew Skelly
“We shall see. About that. Won’t we. ?”
“We shall see. About that. Won’t we. ?”
Matthew Skelly
You’re serving the wrong master. I agree. Now go put on some pants please?
You’re serving the wrong master. I agree. Now go put on some pants please?
Matthew Skelly
I can’t believe she’s making you wear those roller skates either….
I can’t believe she’s making you wear those roller skates either….
Matthew Skelly
CLOWN ATTACK!
CLOWN ATTACK!
Matthew Skelly Okay, the banjo music doesn’t really mesh with the punks…and where did all of these guys come from anyhow???
Matthew Skelly
The green camouflage dosen’t really help in the desert. Still, duck tape and wheelchairs……
The green camouflage dosen’t really help in the desert. Still, duck tape and wheelchairs……
Matthew Skelly
“I shall skate or die!”
“I shall skate or die!”
Um….please?
Matthew Skelly
GIRL roller skating ninjas!
GIRL roller skating ninjas!
Matthew Skelly
So…is the sword STUCK?
So…is the sword STUCK?
Matthew Skelly
I bet they were all just intimidated by his sunglasses….and possibl ythe fact he was smart enough to already have the sword out of his scabbard…..
I bet they were all just intimidated by his sunglasses….and possibl ythe fact he was smart enough to already have the sword out of his scabbard…..
Matthew Skelly
That’s a snake. Not a whip….a SNAKE! STOP HOLDING IT LIKE A WHIP!
That’s a snake. Not a whip….a SNAKE! STOP HOLDING IT LIKE A WHIP!
Matthew Skelly
What exactly is a Fukaswi Ninja? And Why do they feel the need to announce it in all caps?
What exactly is a Fukaswi Ninja? And Why do they feel the need to announce it in all caps?
Matthew Skelly
RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY!
Matthew Skelly Sure.
Beat the armored monster with a padded whiffle bat That ought to do it.
Beat the armored monster with a padded whiffle bat That ought to do it.
Matthew Skelly
Okay, covering up is admirable, but that ship has kind of sailed.
Okay, covering up is admirable, but that ship has kind of sailed.
Matthew Skelly
Wait, did he just reboot the robot?
Wait, did he just reboot the robot?
Matthew Skelly
Oh God, the banjo is back. The Clown looks confused. Scott Shaw just looks like he’s not sure how he got in this movie.
Oh God, the banjo is back. The Clown looks confused. Scott Shaw just looks like he’s not sure how he got in this movie.
Matthew Skelly
NINJA ATTACK!
NINJA ATTACK!
Matthew Skelly
Look, I’m grateful and all, but do we really need to watch you cut the banjo dude’s head off ten times from the EXACT SAME ANGLE?
Look, I’m grateful and all, but do we really need to watch you cut the banjo dude’s head off ten times from the EXACT SAME ANGLE?
Matthew Skelly
DRUM SOLO!
DRUM SOLO!
Matthew Skelly
Oh good. The Clown lives.
Oh good. The Clown lives.
Matthew Skelly
She STILL can’t get that Sword out??? DOES ANYONE IN THE FUTURE HAVE SOME WD-40????
She STILL can’t get that Sword out??? DOES ANYONE IN THE FUTURE HAVE SOME WD-40????
Matthew Skelly
Okay, something’s obviously wrong with thier movieola.You’re supposed to cut to DIFFRENT ANGLES of that same scene…not just keep inserting the same clip in there!
Okay, something’s obviously wrong with thier movieola.You’re supposed to cut to DIFFRENT ANGLES of that same scene…not just keep inserting the same clip in there!
Matthew Skelly
While Shaw is teaching the chick how to sword fight, perhaps he could go over the fine art of GETTING THE SWORD OUT OF THE SCABBARD????
While Shaw is teaching the chick how to sword fight, perhaps he could go over the fine art of GETTING THE SWORD OUT OF THE SCABBARD????
Matthew Skelly
CLOWN WANTS TO TRAIN TOO!
CLOWN WANTS TO TRAIN TOO!
Matthew Skelly
um….no. And I never want to see a “Come hither” look on a clowns face ever again.
um….no. And I never want to see a “Come hither” look on a clowns face ever again.
Matthew Skelly
So was the direction “Point the camera at Joe and let him ramble”? I have NO clue what he ‘s talking about. At least the bit about Skateboards and flying made some sort of sense…
So was the direction “Point the camera at Joe and let him ramble”? I have NO clue what he ‘s talking about. At least the bit about Skateboards and flying made some sort of sense…
Matthew Skelly
BACK ON THE ROAD!
BACK ON THE ROAD!
Matthew Skelly
PULL OUT YOUR STUPID SWORD! Shaw can’t kill EVERYBODY!
PULL OUT YOUR STUPID SWORD! Shaw can’t kill EVERYBODY!
Matthew Skelly
Fat lot of help YOU were clown.
Fat lot of help YOU were clown.
Matthew Skelly
Why does no one want to touch the Spirit Guide? Cooties?
Why does no one want to touch the Spirit Guide? Cooties?
Matthew Skelly
Utility Ninjas. See? That’s what happens when you ignore the spirit guide!
Utility Ninjas. See? That’s what happens when you ignore the spirit guide!
Matthew Skelly
That’s right. Gun beats Sword.
That’s right. Gun beats Sword.
Matthew Skelly
KABUKI ESCAPES! Also Macho Man is about to snap into a slim jim.
KABUKI ESCAPES! Also Macho Man is about to snap into a slim jim.
Matthew Skelly
ROLLER CLOWN vs MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!
ROLLER CLOWN vs MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!
Matthew Skelly
Pretty sure those axes are throwing off your balance in those skates dude.
Pretty sure those axes are throwing off your balance in those skates dude.
Matthew Skelly
Hey Clown! Can I AXE yo ua question?
Hey Clown! Can I AXE yo ua question?
Matthew Skelly
The best part is when he got tangles up in his long coat
The best part is when he got tangles up in his long coat
Matthew Skelly
Don’t cry for him Spirit Guide. He’s not worth it.
Don’t cry for him Spirit Guide. He’s not worth it.
Matthew Skelly
Darkness may never destroy the power of light but al that smoke fro mthe insense will.
Darkness may never destroy the power of light but al that smoke fro mthe insense will.
Matthew Skelly
Okay, Choke her or whip her. PICK ONE.
Okay, Choke her or whip her. PICK ONE.
Matthew Skelly
“I want no harm to come to her”. Besides the 40 lashes and being covered in snakes you mean?
“I want no harm to come to her”. Besides the 40 lashes and being covered in snakes you mean?
Matthew Skelly
WORST. WEDDING DRESS. EVER.
WORST. WEDDING DRESS. EVER.
Matthew Skelly
If pain makes us strong, then this movie is making me into Hercules.
If pain makes us strong, then this movie is making me into Hercules.
Matthew Skelly
How can you see what’s going on with those sunglasses on all the time?
How can you see what’s going on with those sunglasses on all the time?
Matthew Skelly
Quiet Riot as the cell guard. Nice.
Quiet Riot as the cell guard. Nice.
Matthew Skelly
See, if you had learned how to draw the sword, maybe you wouldn’t be in jail!
See, if you had learned how to draw the sword, maybe you wouldn’t be in jail!
Matthew Skelly
Did the robot turn on the strobe light or was that Quiet Riot?
Did the robot turn on the strobe light or was that Quiet Riot?
Matthew Skelly
“I’d look as terrified as you if I didn’t have my sunglasses on!”
“I’d look as terrified as you if I didn’t have my sunglasses on!”
Matthew Skelly
Who let the Spirit Guide in here?
Who let the Spirit Guide in here?
Matthew Skelly
So did the smoke or the strobe light kill the robot? I feel like I need to know.
So did the smoke or the strobe light kill the robot? I feel like I need to know.
Matthew Skelly
“Time can not be stopped, it can at best be witnessed”.
And as a result, I want the last hour of my life back.
“Time can not be stopped, it can at best be witnessed”.
And as a result, I want the last hour of my life back.
Matthew Skelly “Go forth now! And skate the path of righteousness!”
Matthew Skelly
(Also, take this sword. It has a lot of killing to do.)
(Also, take this sword. It has a lot of killing to do.)
Matthew Skelly
And after tossing her garter down the grand canyon, the happy bride and groom mounted the grooms chopper and rode off into the sunset. FIVE TIMES.
And after tossing her garter down the grand canyon, the happy bride and groom mounted the grooms chopper and rode off into the sunset. FIVE TIMES.
Matthew Skelly
Seriously, things would be at least ten minuets shorter if you’d stop showing the SAME FREAKING FOOTAGE over and over again! WE COULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH THIS MOVIE BY NOW!
Seriously, things would be at least ten minuets shorter if you’d stop showing the SAME FREAKING FOOTAGE over and over again! WE COULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH THIS MOVIE BY NOW!
Matthew Skelly
How does he not see the ONLY OTHER CAR on the road coming up on them?
How does he not see the ONLY OTHER CAR on the road coming up on them?
Matthew Skelly
WORST. DRIVE-BY SHOOTING. EVER.
WORST. DRIVE-BY SHOOTING. EVER.
Matthew Skelly
You’rejust jealous of that wedding dress,
You’rejust jealous of that wedding dress,
Matthew Skelly
SUPRISE SUCKERS!
SUPRISE SUCKERS!
Matthew Skelly
Sure. More banjo music over the credits. Why not. At least it’s over!
Sure. More banjo music over the credits. Why not. At least it’s over!
Argo City Comics 
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